I'm gonna write a book, Things that go bump in the night: The story of Katelyn. Chapter one, my roommate is a dumb whore.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Randomize