Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I need to stop coming to work sober
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
Reggie can tackle my bush.
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
Randomize
