For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Randomize
