I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
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