ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
Banned from zoo.
Again?
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
