I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
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