seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Randomize
