it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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