wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Randomize
