Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
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