Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
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