The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Randomize
