I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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