Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
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