last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
Randomize
