dude your cousin who was wearing the skirt wasn't wearing any underwear
gross she's a slut
yea she doesn't shave either
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
