Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
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