you can still come hang out if you want
I really don't feel like watching you play video games
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Randomize
