I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize