this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
All semester I have been trying to figure out if this kid in front of me is gay. His cell phone just went off with Britney's "Circus". Case closed.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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