I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Randomize
