Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
Randomize
