btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
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