Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
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You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
Randomize
