just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Randomize
