i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
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