I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
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