separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
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