he got wood on it!
i know. i had to sit in his lap on the plane. he also wore teva sandals.
...i was talking about hockey
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
