I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
Randomize
