U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
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