Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize