one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
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