youre lurking in front of me
I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
