My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
Randomize
