Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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