So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
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