I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
Randomize
