Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
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