you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Randomize
