after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Randomize
