My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
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