You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
there were at least 5 of us standing around the bathroom stall cheering you on to throw up.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
