I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize
