Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
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