I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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