Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
