The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
