the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
my poor anus
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
