you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
Dude judst bought snd smokked tfour white widoew jointsd in Asmsterdam. Wstching the Cvhiefs gsme. Oh Boy.
You are why other countries hate Americans. But I say God bless you.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
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