I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
