2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
Randomize
