I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Randomize
