The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
the mandatory saturday morning class for those written up by RA's turned into a gold mine...just met EVERY hot chick that parties.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
