I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
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