He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
