when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
Randomize
