i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
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