My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Randomize
