I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Randomize
