My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Randomize
