I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
Randomize